


Words The Heart Can't Say

by Demerite



Series: Trektober 2019 [10]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Ash has a lot of issues okay, Crying, Cuddling, Kissing, M/M, Relationship insecurity, these boys need to communicate better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 12:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20976275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demerite/pseuds/Demerite
Summary: Sometimes, Ash spends a little too much time thinking and gets lost in his own head. Thankfully Chris is there to pick up the pieces.





	Words The Heart Can't Say

**Author's Note:**

> For the Day 11 Prompt: Sobbing/Whimpering, which I reinterpreted to just straight-up crying because of my desire to poke Ash in the feelings until he cries. Because I'm mean.

Ash is sure that neither of them had really meant for it to become a thing. 

It had happened once, after that argument in the Ready Room had faded into something more, which in turn had spilled over into sex, and Ash had been mostly content to let that be the end of it. Hadn't been _entirely _happy about it, but it wasn't as if he was capable of pushing the issue. But then it happened again one night when Pike had asked him to stay after the change-of-shift meeting, and again during report-writing hours, and _again _when a power cut had left the two of them stranded in a turbolift for two and a half hours until engineering had got the power back online and stable enough around critical systems that they could get to work on freeing their captain from temporary imprisonment in turbolift three. Still, they'd managed to make good use of the time, which Ash had pointed out, a little shyly, once they'd made it to the temporary meeting space that Pike was using as a temporary Ready Room until the power situation could be fixed and they could reliably get his_ actual _Ready Room open. That comment had resulted in Ash being pushed up against a wall with surprising force, and kissed with surprising heat. 

Ash finds that he likes this type of kissing. It's not like it was with Michael, all soft and gentle and desperate, nor it is like what he remembers from Voq's memories of L'Rell, where kissing had been violent and aggressive, a contest. He tries his hardest not to think about his own memories of her, not wanting to risk opening that door again. He thinks about her too often already, she invades his mind when he has more important things to think about. 

At first, Ash had been worried that he wouldn't even be capable of_ having _this type of intimacy with another person. But Pike is...different. For all that their encounters started with mistrust and animosity and bickering, he's never made Ash feel like he doesn't have a choice about being here. He asks permission and watches Ash for _any _sign of discomfort and he doesn't ask for more than Ash can give, acting almost as if what little Ash _can _give him on any given day is enough. Ash knows it isn't, but it's nice to see Pike try. It makes him feel like maybe the captain actually cares about him, just a little, even if he probably hadn't intended to repeatedly fall into bed with a dubiously human spy. But no matter Pike's feelings on the situation, it's become a thing now, and Ash is certain that despite them not advertising whatever the hell they're doing, half the ship definitely knows. 

Nhan keeps giving him dirty looks, even more so than she did when he first arrived onboard, almost like she's warning him away in defence of her captain's honour. Reno, for all that Ash doesn't know her at all, keep smirking at him in the corridors, and even slipped him a conspiratorial wink once. Tilly, who has always been sweet towards him, seems moments away from bursting into laughter anytime she sees him and Pike together, although as lease she has the grace to keep her giggles to when she thinks he isn't watching. He's always watching. He has to be. 

This time around, they're in Pike's - Chris, Ash reminds himself, he's allowed to call him Chris because it's just the two of them and this isn't about ranks or titles or power - quarters; somewhere Ash has never been before. He's been surprised when Chris had asked him back there, citing being 'too old to keep fucking on the floor' as his reasoning. Ash has been tempted to point out that they'd only actually had sex on the floor once, and that had been in the turbolift - the other times had been all been in the Ready Room, once on the sofa by the window, once on the conference table, and once on the desk - but he suspects that Chris wouldn't appreciate him pointing that out. Of maybe he would. Ash is rapidly learning that he needs to get a better read on him. 

But either way, he'd said yes to the invitation, because the sex is good, and the casual intimacy before and afterwards is even better, satiating some need Ash didn't know he had. And because god help him he _likes _Chris in a way that's a whole lot more than friendly, and a whole lot more than just casual sex, and so here they are, spread out over Chris' bed, kissing almost lazily. It feels dangerous to Ash, like he should be expecting an attack, or for all this to be pulled away from him at any second, but he's trying to ignore that instinct, tells himself that he doesn't have to brace for a hit that's not coming. 

Something must show though. Chris pulls away from the kiss, just far enough that he can look at Ash, a concerned crease forming between his brows. 

"You alright?" His asks softly. 

Ash nods. "Yeah." He says, "Just thinking." He reaches up, and Chris comes back to him willingly, leaning to kiss him again all warm and deep and gentle, all the things Ash has never let himself want and feels like he doesn't deserve. It's abruptly too much, the tenderness, the kindness, the understanding, after everything he's done and everyone he's hurt, and Ash doesn't realise that he's crying until Chris pulls away again, the worry even more pronounced on his handsome features now. When Ash realises, he swats angrily at the tears, trying to wipe them away before any more can fall, but his effort is too little, too late. 

"Hey." Chris says, and it's that last, gentle, _kind _expression of concern that does it; tips him from a few tears into actual sobs. Chris just takes it in his stride; wraps Ash up in his arms and hold him tight, and Ash curls against him in a miserable ball, wishing he didn't need this and feeling so, so ashamed. 

Chris doesn't tell him to stop, he just holds him and runs a hand through his hair and murmurs sounds that might be words, or might just be nonsense. Whatever it is, it's calming and reassuring, as if Chris' heartbeat when Ash's sobs calm enough that he can hear it. He concentrates on that, on matching his breathing to Chris' until he no longer feels like he's about to fly apart. 

"I'm sorry." He manages eventually, scrubbing at his face with the heel of his palm, trying to wipe away the rest of the tears. He feels raw and exposed. 

"Hey." Chris presses a kiss, still impossibly gentle, to his forehead, "It's okay." He doesn't give Ash a chance to pull away from him, just cuddles him closer like he doesn't even care that Ash is probably getting snot and tears all over his shirt, "Don't apologise. Whatever this is, it's alright." 

Ash is so desperately grateful for the acceptance in that moment that he nearly starting sobbing anew, but he's too exhausted, wrung out and empty. 

Chris holds him for a few moments longer, and then shifts and pulls away and Ash has been waiting for this, the rejection that he knew had to have been coming from the moment the first tears fell. 

"Wait here." Chris says gently, and he releases Ash entirely. It makes ash feel kind of lost, like he's come untethered and is in danger of floating away, but then Chris presses another kiss to his forehead, in almost exactly the same place as the previous one, gives him a soft smile and a murmured, "I'll be right back," and despite everything, Ash believes him. 

Chris vanishes into the bathroom, and Ash can't see what he's doing from this angle, but he hears the water running. When Chris returns, it's with a washcloth and a glass of water. He sets the glass down on the nightstand, and sits on the edge of the bed, close enough to touch Ash, but not enough to crowd him. Ash wonders how he knows. 

Chris offers him the washcloth, and when Ash takes it he finds it's damp, and warm. He's fiercely grateful that Chris had handed it to him, and isn't trying to do it himself. He's not sure his dignity, already in tatters, could take that. 

He wipes his face clean quickly, puts the cloth aside on the nightstand, and accepts the glass of water when Chris hands it to him, draining it all in one long swallow, and passing the empty vessel back. 

Chris sets the glass aside, and lays down on the bed, head resting on one of the pillows. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks. 

"Not really." Ash doesn't know if he can find the words to explain the tangled mess inside his head right now. 

"Okay." Chris reaches for him, and Ash settles into his arms after only a heartbeat, resting his head on Chris's chest. 

"Okay?" Ash repeats, because that was not the answer he was expecting. He's all aware of how much Chris worries about, and cares for those under his command, and on his ship. 

"I'm not going to push." Chris's voice is gentle and warm, and Ash is sure if he looked up at him, he'd be smiling, "You can talk to me if you want to, but don't feel obliged." 

Ash is once more struck with a fierce gratefulness because he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to explain all the things inside his mind right now, how much he wants but is terrified of wanting, how much he doesn't deserve this; not the respect or the kindness or the trust or the gentleness. How much he's waiting for it all to go bad. How he can't work out if this feels wrong or right and if his own metric for wrong and right even qualifies here. That feeling alone should have him running for the hills, or at least requesting a new assignment as fast as he can. Somehow, he's still here. 

"Okay." He says quietly. And then, "Thank you." 

"Do you want to go?" Chris asks, and Ash freezes. 

He wants to run and he wants to stay and he doesn't know what he wants. 

Chris solves it for him. "I'd like you to stay, but I understand if you don't want to." 

Ash clears his throat. "I'd like to stay." He says it softly, and in saying it he realises just how true it is, and just how much he means. He isn't talking about just staying in Chris' quarters right now, and he has a sneaking suspicion that neither is Chris. 

"I'd like that." Chris says, and leans down to kiss him, telegraphing his every move so that Ash can pull away if he wants to. 

Ash doesn't want to; he wraps a hand around the back of Chris' neck to pull him in closer and they sprawl across the sheets, Chris' arms bracketing him in a way that has never felt like being caged in. 

"What do you want?" Chris asks him, his voice gentle. It's not accusatory, it's a simple and honest question. 

"You." Ash says, and leans up to kiss him, slow and deep, before he can do anything stupid like _keep talking. _

"You've already got me." Chris says with a low laugh, between breathless kisses. 

**Author's Note:**

> Want to know more about Trektober? Click [HERE](https://aishahiwatari.tumblr.com/post/188059640163/trektober) for the info post on Aisha's tumblr, or [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Trektober2019) for the AO3 collection to read our fic. 
> 
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr](https://demerite.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
